Would You Say That to a Friend?

Written By: Sophie Warwick.

Have you ever had a friend reach out to you and share that they were thinking about asking for a promotion or raise, and you responded with any of the following:

• You’re just not ready yet.

• Have you really proven your value?

• Do you think any of your peers are more qualified?

• You should work harder and wait until your leader notices.

• Or even, you don’t deserve it.

If you like this person, probably not. So why do we talk to ourselves like this?

There is immense social pressure on women to be likeable, agreeable, and to put others’ needs before our own. Research from Harvard Business Review shows that women are less likely to self-promote than men. I’d heard this concept presented many times, but it’s often attributed to lower rates of self-confidence in women. The report demystified this rationale. They reported similar rates of self-confidence in all genders. So, what’s the discrepancy? Women had a greater tendency to prioritize their relationships. They feared that if they were too self-promotional or too self-focused that they would be disliked by their team or alienated from the group. They are weighing the social cost.

In other words, it’s not that women don’t believe they’re capable, it’s that they’re navigating a double bind. Advocate for yourself, and risk being perceived as “too aggresive.” Or stay quiet, and risk being overlooked.

So instead, many women minimize their contributions to preserve relationships. But here’s the problem: if you don’t advocate for your value, it often goes unrecognized. Leaders are busy and don’t always have the capacity to proactively consider all their team members’ contributions. And we need to be self-promotional for two reasons.

First, because you deserve it.

We consistently undervalue ourselves. But when you are fairly compensated, recognized, and supported, you are better positioned to do great work. You have more energy, more motivation, and more capacity to contribute meaningfully. Recognition isn’t just about ego; it’s about sustainability and impact.

When you’re questioning whether you’re ready, try this: step outside your own head and into the perspective of someone who knows you well. Your best friend. Your partner. A trusted colleague. Would they tell you you’re not good enough, or would they remind you of everything you’ve already proven?

Second, because it creates ripple effects.

Doing it for yourself should be reason enough, but there is an added benefit.

Representation shapes behavior. If you’re surrounded by women who are doing exceptional work but are under-recognized or underpaid, that becomes the norm. But when someone advocates for their value, asks for a raise, pushes for a promotion, it signals that this behavior is not only acceptable, but expected. You’re not just advocating for yourself; you’re helping redefine what’s possible for others.

Now, to be clear: closing the gender pay gap and improving representation in leadership is not the responsibility of women alone. That responsibility sits with organizations, leadership teams, and broader systems. Real, lasting change requires structural shifts. But those changes take time. And in the meantime, individual action matters. Small, consistent moments of self-advocacy build momentum, not just for you, but for those around you.

If you’re not sure where to start, keep it simple:

• Write down 3 to 5 recent contributions or wins.

• Tie them to business impact (revenue, efficiency, team outcomes).

• Be clear on what you’re asking for, and why now.

• You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be prepared.

Show yourself the same support you offer everyone else. Ask for the raise. Go for the promotion. Say the thing. We spend so much time showing up for others, it’s time we do the same for ourselves.