Don’t let compensation define you

Written by: Sophie Warwick

Are you uncomfortable discussing your compensation with your loved ones? Many of us feel a strong sense of discomfort talking about our salary even with our closest friends and family. We can share everything else, so why is it so hard to talk about pay?

There is a strong tendency to tie personal value to financial success. This mindset leads to the fear that if you were to learn a close friend makes more than you, are they more successful? Are they more valued? Are they better? We often see even the most secure relationships struggle with the money conversation.

So how can you develop a relationship with your compensation that allows you to discuss it openly?

You are more than just a paycheck. Money doesn’t define your overall value as a person. Of course, our compensation is important because it allows us to pay our expenses and helps us build the lives we desire. But remember, money is a tool to achieve those goals, it isn’t the goal itself. Our value is instead defined by how we show up in a room, how we show up for our community, how we spend our time, and the important connections that we make. What defines a successful life will be different for everyone, but it isn’t defined by our paycheck. Even if we’re very financially motivated, it’s typically still what we can achieve with our income, rather than the income itself that offers fulfillment. 

Create healthy boundaries when it comes to your relationship with compensation. Creating healthy boundaries with compensation means understanding its role in your life and keeping it in perspective. Money is a powerful tool that helps us meet our needs, pursue our goals, and enjoy life’s opportunities, but it shouldn’t dictate our self-worth. When we approach compensation with a balanced perspective, we can make intentional decisions, and focus on what truly matters, our relationships, job satisfaction, passions, and well-being. By establishing this mindset, we empower ourselves to take control of our negotiating. 

Don’t use this as a rationale not to negotiate. I want to stress that I’m not advocating for people to stop caring about their compensation and therefore not negotiate it. You should always be compensated fairly for the value that you’re delivering at work. However, this doesn’t mean that compensation is the be-all and end-all. You can have both. You can appreciate and value the compensation you receive, while remembering that it doesn’t define your overall value.

When you create this relationship with compensation, two important changes happen. One, it becomes easier to share your salary with your network allowing you the opportunity to get important real-time market data. This is incredibly valuable in negotiations especially if you’re having these conversations with connections in similar roles. 

And two, you will feel more comfortable negotiating. Why? Because a “no” on your ask is suddenly not so scary. It is not a “no” to your personal value, it’s a no to one specific ask. We can move forward from no’s and we can work towards a yes in the future. For more tips on negotiating from a no, read You got a no on your ask for a raise. Now what?